Love was the death of me
I can look back and see the places I let myself believe in the lie just to feel alright
I can’t quite find a single place he decided to lie…I can look back and see many places I could have seen the truth, and I can see myself becoming.
Perhaps it is the wounded feminine–this thing we are calling autism, Asperger, neurodivergence, CPTSD, anxiety…some weak stupid blind thing that is the key to everything. Not weak and stupid by nature but weak and stupid from being held down, used, scorned, shunned, humiliated, put down, cast aside, tied up, beaten, bound…
I don’t know how to go on. I want to live. I have incredible drive still, and nowhere and nothing to put it into. The whole world feels blind and fake. Humanity is a liar. How to cope. How to transcend, not just cope. Coping is how we got here. It is not a good long-term strategy.
We are racing towards extinction and no one seems to care enough to step up and take responsibility, take the wheel, take the reigns, say they are sorry, and rise again.
I want to apologize but I don’t know how without causing more damage.
I am sorry to the people I worked with–especially Aaron, and also Dawnstar, and Most Especially Soibhan, to my son and to my godchildren and all humans and my own inner child, for letting them see me in that state of utter denial and think it was okay for him–think it made him better than me because I believed his lies and everyone knew he was a liar except me.
Love has been the death of me.
I loved and believed a liar that everyone knew was a liar except me.
I chose to believe a lie I knew was a lie and it damaged me.
For allowing my joy, my vibrance, my hope, my enthusiasm, my trust, my strength, my flexibility, my creativity, my sexuality, and my love to be so squandered, I am sorry. I continue learning how unconscious humanity is, and I do my best to breathe through the agony.
I do my best to breathe through the agony. I do what I can to find peace. My body, mind, spirit, and heart are broken. I believe I can rise again if I can just collect these fragmented bits of self, collect my flesh, and get my heart to beat coherently again.
I want to live! I want to live! I want to live! Humanity seems intent on dying.
I think about the monarch butterfly I found whose wing never properly unfolded and so she could never fly. I think about the mouse I snapped dead a few days ago, and Sapphire who suffered so awfully, so terribly, who lived so incredible a life and died so tragically at my own hands. I think about my failures to thrive. My successes too, only they feel like stupid bait for more lies. I don’t know how to move forward without trust, without any clarity, without understanding how he could do this to me, to so many…
I know it is because he was tortured as a child, and his own fracturing happened so deeply he gave up on healing it…I really believed he was trying to grow, trying to heal, trying to become a better person with me. I really believed we were a team working on living life and becoming good humans, good lovers, good parents, good leaders together.
I tried to love my mother a lot of my life. She has tried to love me. Autism or whatever we want to call it, our mutual inability to navigate feelings without being activated, overwhelmed by them, our mutual blindness to one other and ourselves–I actually think I have an incredible gift to see through others, but perhaps it is only those who are also divergent…that does include my mother and alex. Leave it uncapital-ized. I gave him so much honor and respect and trust, so much of me, and he squandered it all, scorned it, humiliated me…still does with his silence, though I worry for him. I worry for the women he comes into contact with. I worry for his daughters. I worry for the feminine and for the masculine.
I need to make progress, and I need to make money. It would be great if they would sync up–I am making another push on Youtube–which is how I ran into so much unprocessed work from 2018-2019–the daze I was in…still drinking a lot, smoking much less, sometimes not at all…so fucking caught up in lies, dreams of things working out, of love being real, of building community.
I posted this publically and considered copying to Golden Music, briefly. I know my wrecking ball tendencies are strongest in the mornings…so I bundle up for a presunrise walk in the rain.
Love has been the death of me.
I loved and believed a liar that everyone knew was a liar.
For allowing my joy, my vibrance, my hope, my enthusiasm, my trust, my love be so squandered, I am sorry. For any part I played in the deception of others or the wrecking of other hearts and minds, I am deeply sorry.
I do my best to breathe through the agony. I do what I can to find peace. My body, mind, spirit, and heart are broken. I believe I can rise again, if I can just collect these fragmented bits of self, collect my flesh and get my heart to beat coherently again.
I’ve been stunned, in a daze, since 2018 when I began to realize I had already been living a lie for a couple years at that time.
I allowed myself to veer off course, enticed by the idea of family, of belonging, of being seen, of being loved. I would say I regret it but I still don’t.
I want to live! I want to live! I want to live!
I am tired from trying.
I have no where to put this incredible drive.
My insides are fire.
Picture me burning and rising.
nmgal007 ~Angel Lilly, Performance Poet, Speaker, Songwriter, Singer 