Guilty Sandwich

I bought a sandwich out of guilt tonight. I went to the post office after it closed. That was probably out of guilt, or a desire not to feel more guilt–as I forgot to ship it earlier. I told the customer I would get it to the post office tonight so it would be on its way first thing in the morning. This time of year everyone wants things faster and lots of things take longer. There’s a good chance it will still arrive on time.

So in order to keep my word, I ventured out past 9:30pm to drop it in a box. On the way, I passed a homeless man on the corner holding a sign emphatically. It was too dark to read it–my eyesight has been getting worse. I couldn’t read it, but I thought it might be a person I used to know. Schizophrenia mixed with drugs, alcohol, and family abandonment–a sweet soul living on the streets for nearly a decade now. The last time I saw him he asked for food and I gave him two bananas then felt guilty when I remembered I had cold chicken in the fridge. He swallowed them nearly whole.

So, when I passed this person in the dark, I thought it might be him, as I often do. Sometimes it is.

I drove back the way I had come, the way I go anyway, though I did have the thought that I didn’t really want to see him because I always wish I could help more, and I even why I try to it doesn’t help much.

I still couldn’t read the sign. He noticed me trying and showed it to me but I still couldn’t. I drove off, still unsure, and noticed it was 9:38. The stores close at 10pm and the closest one was nearly 10 minutes away. I have a little money on a card. I decided to go, thinking about what I could get someone on the streets to eat, still not really wanting to see him if it was my former friend, but also not able to bear not trying.

I made it to the grocery store and the entrance was locked. I went in the exit door. A woman who works there smiled and motioned me in the second round of exit.

I grabbed a few bananas and a couple apples, some hamburger meat for me later this week, some smoked salmon I saw on special. Toured the deli quickly, twice. Finally settled on a large ham and turkey and cheese sub sandwich. I got out the door with two minutes to spare, drove home and cut it into a few peices, not sure if anyone would be out there, though there are many homeless people in the area lately. Thankfully it’s not freezing, though it is cold. I didn’t have drinks, but I put two chunks of sandwich into ziplocks, and each of those in a paper bag with a small apple. One was larger than the other so I put a candy cane a friend left here yesterday in with the smaller one. I thought maybe if it was the friend I used to know, I could give him one for now and one for later.

When I drove back I didn’t see anyone there but I thought I saw someone lying on the sidewalk up the street. I wondered if it might be him just giving up there, with no one noticing. Even though it’s not freezing it will be later tonight. This is the world we are living in. I drove around the corner and saw someone walking into the alley, and someone else. Neither of them looked like my former friend and I felt a wave of relief and sadness.

Homeless people often pair up–this is what makes my schizophrenic acquaintance so vulnerable. No one is pairing up with him. He smells bad and he doesn’t make sense most of the time anymore.

I knew him when he was growing up and he was not always like that at all. He was put on drugs, put out on the street as a ward of the state, and he has only gotten worse ever since. I try not to be angry at his father and stepmother but sometimes I still am. His father and I have a history that goes back to before he was born.

It was two men pulling some carpet out of a dumpster to make a bed for the night. They were startled at first when I turned my car towards them, ready to be on the defense or be told to leave if I was a cop.

“Sorry to bother you–do you want a sandwich?” I held up the paper bags I had packed, and smiled, while also assessing the situation as best I could, aware that I was putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation.

“Oh, yeah!” the man’s energy changed and he smiled, relieved I was not a cop there to shoo them off, no doubt. He was not as hungry as my friend, or former friend has been lately, but he did seem grateful. The other man stood a bit father away, still unsure but looking hopeful.

“I have two chunks of a big sandwich and two apples here, it’s all I have.” I said, feeling awkward at my lie later, since it is not all I have, but it was all I had with me at the time–it was all I brought to offer.

They took the bags smiling, thanked me, and wished me a good night.

“Be safe.” –Our standard human address since the pandemic lockdowns.

I tried to drive off but ended up in a dead-end alley in front of a storage facility I didn’t know existed…with a bunch of desks outside…noting for later as I have been thinking I might need a new desk and these looked abandoned. I turned around and drove past them again.

“Have a good night.” I said, again, feeling a bit awkward and also feeling familiar with the situation. I have lived on the streets, though thankfully it was long ago and not for long.

I came home feeling better that at least I tried, and also very aware of how lucky I am, and how not so well so many men and a few women are doing out on the streets. It is mostly men. Mostly young and middle-aged men. These two were probably 30s or 40s. My former friend is in his early 30s. One sleeps in the alley behind my house regularly. It’s something of a growing crisis in human societies.

I slept under a bridge a few times when I was younger, and I know how cold and hard the pavement and the ground and humanity is. There were far fewer homeless people back then but it was a similar grind to survive. Good days and bad days. I try to treat people like humans as much as I can, and anytime someone asks me for help, especially when there’s no one else out, or not many, I feel lucky if I can help in any small way. I only helped in the act of humanity, to them maybe, and to me mostly.

I guess that must be enough for now.

~ZGALA, December 18, 2023