Come on humans! Step back a little bit and realize how we are being manipulated to hate. I know it comes from caring. Consider that is true for all of us. Caring or pushing back against woundedness. These are the main forces wielding us.
I am fairly familiar with the freefall, though those landings get trickier as I age. The harder you come, the harder you fall… I come hard sometimes. I am learning to soften up, by way of having some of my rough edges busted off. lmao
I have been attacked publically multiple times in the last year for sharing Joe Rogan videos, so I feel inclined to sort some things out linearly with words, though I will probably address this with some dance and some mud and singing and some paint too.
It’s tricky to think straight when my body feels so under attack. I tremble and spin out more and more often these days. I gather this is just ‘the aging’ so many have been moping about. Meh. Or is that, Merp?
I have been attacked publically by people I respect and felt connected to, and the argument has been that I should give more weight to propaganda in which Joe Rogan’s words are taken out of context, smashed together to create alternate meanings, and then fed to people who care deeply about things in order to activate blind hate. The people posing this invariably claim he is too offensive to listen to in the actual context, and somehow seem to believe that someone else using his words is more valid than him speaking for himself in context. Intention and context is irrelevant they say. I don’t understand how this is any better than being the very things they are accusing him of, falsely from my point of view, though that is almost beside the point. It is the same type of dumb ignorant uninformed overly worked up hate as racism and sexism.
Humans are so easy to manipulate. The haters love to scream at me that I too am easy to manipulate, and I agree. I return to the question, what do we want, collectively? If it is hate, then continue on that path, you are well on your way. If it is understanding, thriving even, the ability to live, work, and play together on this wonderful biosspere, then I emplore you to focus more on the things you love than the things you are being herded to hate.
(Of course, this happens to many others, but let’s focus here, on Joe Rogan for now, as it is the best example, all around. This might be where I lose people. They no longer seem capable of holding a broader perspective, an open mind. They shut down. Triggers are activated. Hate begets hate.)
What will become of us? I turn the other cheek again, and focus on love. On what I want ,what I care about. Equality. Love. Joy. Appreciation. Community.
I guess I need to make some sort of public proclamation to defend myself…only that is the part that gets used against JR the very most. So, what do you do, brown shoe?
Focus on what we want. Collective community. Wellness. Play. Turn it around. Hold.
The people I knew and loved have cast me out, called me “bad friend”, “grandmother killer”, “detroyer of truth”, “racist”, “betrayer of all that is good on Earth”, and now seem to rally around me pointing and tossing stones. Like a good witch I sway and bellow sometimes, but mostly I smile and weep silently. I try to keep to myself. I try to take better care of myself. I try to share sometimes but more and more my loving offerings are only met with hate and blame and taunting. Lies and false acusations. Degrading the feminine. I can’t even talk about being raped or used or any of it without only making myself even lower in societies eyes. There is only holding my ground, or spiraling down into the quicksand lately, when I face society. Struggling only makes it worse. Humanity. Somewhere there must be more people like me, willing to hold ideas and dialogue–I consider Joe Rogan and many other podcasters some of these. So I guess I continue to aim myself to them. Not to be them exactly, but to live authentically, aimed at making things better, and regardless of the hate cast at me.
I am overwhelmed with the urge to scream “WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU SAYING??!?” and many less intelligible things, more and more frequently. It was already too frequent to be around most humans much. That is being squeezed out. I am not sure how to survive like this. Buck the Fuck UP, BUTTERCUP. You know what to do. Now, do it.
The idea that there is no difference between speaking for yourself authentically and taking someone else’s words out of context, hand-picking the parts that are sure to trigger anger in people who care deeply about things, smashing them together and looping them into hate-bait just doesn’t hold up for me. Please stop attacking me for trying to promote understanding and acceptance. I am on our side.
Consider what you know of my character, personally, and what you know of the person who made the edited video which you are finding offensive. Consider how many times removed from the speaker and from context the information is. If my worth is really that low in that frame to you, then by all means, off you fuck. I am tired of showing up for people who would like so little of me based on propaganda, and I forgive those weak cowards who don’t dare point out the empire is naked as they suckle from its tit. Okay, yes, that was ‘over the top’. Oh, I just this moment got what that actually means. LOL
That reminds me of a TikTok video I watched recently, in which a delightful young man in a red and white lace lampshade was explaining the difference between body language and social cues and I had an epiphane. Oh. That is another blindness I have. I have studied body language a lot, and I think I ‘get’ social cues, to the extent that I recognize sometimes when people are giving/using them…I just don’t ‘get’ them in the sense that they don’t add up to me. They are false, lies, boring, dramatic, and often traumatizing to me. I shake and cry a lot. Many hours of most days, though not all. It is definitely progressively worse lately. I can hope it’s hormonal and will subside with menopause, eventually.
(Tangent) That reminds me, I ran into some stuff about D n C’s and realized that could logically be a lot of what is going on with me. Fibers. Scars. I had complications and some malice from the doctor who put an IUD in me too soon, causing infection. It was a two or three step process, to sterilize me, essentially. I participated, though I did not understand what was happening. I am still processing. I do take a very long to process.
My poor body keeps pushing back, separating…I am still learning to love me but I love myself more and more even as the world seems to scream at me to die. I want to live and die well. Live long, die quickly. My mom was saying she would like to have a month to prepare. I wonder how long we have together. I think still many years, but I am also preparing for fewer. Whatever comes, I will bend and sway. Breathe and do my best to smile and sing.
I feel like people are lying nearly constantly…not that I don’t see the social cues I guess, but, they are clearly lies and I don’t know how to process them without betraying them or me. If I am true to myself then they are annoyed at me, and if I placate their passivities and pretences with false small talk and whatnots, then it takes a toll on me. I find many people unbearable condescending and also boring. I find lots of people exciting too. I think I just got sucked into some alternate timeline rut. I’m getting out.
I think I will be shifting back to products more than services or I don’t fucking know, do I? Shifting back, shifting back…I am always shifting back. And there is only forward, though I do have the reoccuring sensation that I need to send my younger self a lot of love and strength.
I will focus on art, music, making money. I got plenty to do. I will consider Ax both, a liar and a lover, and leave it there simmering for now, since I don’t know what to do. I let it go, let it go, let it go…On that note. Full moon and eclipse coming up. It’s a good time for rituals.
Like half the things stopped working today it seems. That’s an exaggeration. My phone account, my glucose app, the sensor, and this writers app…energies are turbulant all around I guess. I am glad I still have some weed. The rage has been a rollercoaster and I can barely stand to be around me. I will work on being more delightful. I got this. Delightful is in me…somewhere around here.
nmgal007 ~Angel Lilly, Performance Poet, Speaker, Songwriter, Singer 